It’s the fashion these days to look to scientific studies to guide us in many areas. This includes the success of students. “Studies show that kids who blah blah blah, tend to blah blah blah.” We think we’re being serious and responsible and realistic when we use scientific studies to tell us what to do.
But scientific studies are based on statistics. And statistics involve averages among big groups of people. An average is an abstraction. In that big group of people, where they pulled that abstract average from, is a huge variety of actual individual people. In that big group of people are weirdos of all variety and extremes. In fact, everyone is a weirdo of some kind. We just all try to hide it so we can conform to the latest scientific study.
Scientific studies also involve measurements, categories, and multiple-choice surveys. These may tell us something, but they are highly artificial. They squeeze multi-dimensional human beings into little black marks on a page.
The results of scientific studies have a glow of seriousness and officialness about them. But they are simplistic. They are more like stick figure cartoons of the real world. Scientific studies make us feel we are addressing reality when in fact they encourage us to ignore it. You could describe a scientific study as a massive distortion of reality. It takes a big group of actual, complex individuals and reduces them all to a number or two. How weird is that?
No student or parent is a cartoon. You are complex individuals. You are unique people in unique situations. Why on earth would we assume that an abstract, one-dimensional average would apply to us? Sure, maybe the study offers a helpful suggestion. Maybe that suggestion works for some people, and maybe you could try it. But it may not work for you. It may not apply to you at all.
The most potent practice for a parent is to focus on their intention for their child to be happy and successful on their child’s terms, and to respect a child’s autonomy and individuality. Your child is not a statistic or a racehorse, despite what the culture would have us believe. And they will be happier and more successful in their lives the more they feel this is recognized.
Parents: Have truly open conversations. Feel free to offer suggestions you think might be helpful. But listen to your child’s response. Make it clear that you offer the suggestion because you think it might help, but that your main intention is not that they accept your particular suggestion. Rather, your intention is to help.
Paradoxically, the less you force a particular suggestion, the more likely a child is to consider it. And real results only come from a person feeling free to try something or not.
